self diagnosis.

So i will try to make this as short as possible but i want to also make as many points as i can that points to the reason I’m giving myself the diagnosis of BPD: borderline personality disorder.

First of all let me say that i had never heard of this before i started talking to a girl off of a Facebook mommy group page. She told me that she thinks she has it, and why. As she was telling me her why, I noticed that all of it applied to me also. That’s when i decided to do some major research.

“The definition is:  a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.”

Already this is me, to a “tee”. I have been through SOO many unstable relationships (love wise), i have an unstable relationship with all of my family including mother and sperm donor, and to top it all off, i have hardly any friends. I do have an unstable sense of self, i have very low self esteem. When i see myself in the mirror, when i see a picture of myself,etc.. All i see is ugly, fat. Unstable emotions, yeah got those too! I can go from smiling one second to the next i can be either depressed out of my mind, or mad as fire.

“There is often an extreme fear of abandonment, frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, and self-harm. Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events.

Fear of abandonment, is definitely something i deal with on a daily basis. I am always terrified everyone who i love will leave. With my boyfriend, i can do something as small as forgetting something in the house and have to run back in to get it, and think “Ugh, i hope he doesn’t leave me!” Emptiness, yes.. I always feel that something is missing. I feel that a little less now that i have my two children, but i still do feel this way. Self-harm, i used to. No one even really knows about it. I just thought it was a good escape. The pain from that would help with the pain i was feeling before that made me ant to self-harm.  I do also believe that my symptoms are brought on, or strengthened by simple events. As i said with my boyfriend, but it can also be brought on by simple things like someone saying the wrong thing to me or around me.

“People with BPD feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and longer than others do. In addition, emotions may repeatedly resurge and persist a long time.Consequently, it may take more time for people with BPD than others to return to a stable emotional baseline following an intense emotional experience. People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment.”

I very much so feel every emotion to the extreme. When I am happy, I am very happy. I sing and dance, and scream and play a lot with my daughter. When I am sad, I am not sad…I am depressed. I stay to myself with a blank look on my face and just think and cry. When I am mad, I am pissed. I yell, I scream, I hit walls. Every emotion is felt to the extreme and for longer periods than it needs to be felt. I f i get mad, i stay mad for.. most of the time the rest of that day. When i get depressed i stay depressed for sometimes days upon days. With the last sentence, I am not completely sure what it means, but i think it pertains to me also because I like to think of people in the best light most of the time no matter what. At the same time, once that great light is gone, it is gone forever. I always think negatively. I always think that the person will do nothing but disappoint me or hurt me.

“Impulsive behavior is common, including substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex, reckless spending, and reckless driving. Impulsive behavior may also include leaving jobs or relationships, running away, and self-injury.

Impulsive behavior, yes. I do not do drugs, but i do not drink just not a lot. I am not sure i have an eating disorder per say, but i love food and cant stay eating healthy to save my life. Unprotected sex, yes. Reckless spending, yes. Reckless driving, no. Not since my kids have existed. Laving jobs, yes. I have left 4-5 jobs just because. Some i did have a reason, but most wouldn’t say that i was right for leaving.Running away, yes! I ran away from a bad ex girlfriend in 2012, i ran away from a situation in Whiteville, I ran away from a situation in Lumberton, I ran away from a situation in Dudley.. I have ran away from many things, many situations, many people.

“People with BPD act impulsively because it gives them immediate relief from their emotional pain. However, in the long term, people with BPD suffer increased pain from the shame and guilt that follow such actions. A cycle often begins in which people with BPD feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain. As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain.

I believe i act impulsively to relieve my emotional pain, no doubt. The most recent example i can give you is the other day my boyfriend came home from talking to the neighbors. He said that it sounded like they did not want to rent to us anymore, so i started packing and calling every where to find a new place to stay. I was ready to run away because getting away from here would have meant not having to deal with the emotional stress that them not wanting us to be here would cause me. But then we found out that he heard very wrong, that we are the best tenants theyve had, and they dont want us to go anywhere. So i felt horrible for packing so i unpacked and stopped looking for a place. This is just one example of this vicious cycle.

 

I very much believe that i have this disorder. If you have read this and want to tell me your opinion, please go ahead! Just be nice about it if its criticism. Thanks!

 

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living with anxiety.

When i was about 14 years old i was diagnosed with chronic depression. Since then i have been re-diagnosed a few times, just because i moved and got a new therapist. Most recently, i went to start therapy with another new therapist, and she diagnosed me with the depression and anxiety. After diagnosing me with the anxiety she told me why. It made so much sense now.So now that i have a diagnosis, I am going to tell you what it’s like for me, to live with anxiety.

No matter where I go, how hard i tried to make myself look before even leaving the house, how much i try to ignore the thoughts that run through my head.. it never helps.

If someone looks at me for too long. Doesn’t respond when i say “hey” Gives me a weird look.

I automatically think of everything that would deter a person from talking to someone.

“Is my hair messed up? Do i have something in my teeth? Do i stink? Did i not speak loud enough? Did i smile awkwardly? Do i look that bad?”

When my kids cry in public. When someone walks in the bathroom and my two year old is crying. When I am holding my newborn instead of having him in the car seat on the cart. When i don’t have a blanket over my newborns car seat and its windy and starting to rain. When i have to run inside the store with my 30 some pound 2 year old in my arms.

“Do they think I am a bad parent? Will they report me? Do they think i didn’t bring a bottle, when really i just left in the car on accident? Do they think i don’t have what i need to care for my kids? Are they disgusted by me running like i am? Am i a bad parent for taking my kids out in this weather, when really i had no clue what the forecast was?”

When i hear someone whispering after i leave the room, or walk past them in a store.. I automatically think they are talking about me. I re-think about everything i said, the way i walked, if i looked at them wrong, etc. It doesn’t matter who it is, or where. It could be my mom, my boyfriend, or a complete stranger.

It is very hard to live with these thoughts. Especially mixed with how shy i am, my depression, and my low self esteem.

It is very hard to type this, thinking if people will even read it, or if the people who know me will think differently of me, but I am trying to be more open. I am trying my hardest to do whatever it takes to let everyone know what i go through on a daily basis. And just so y’all know, this is only a few examples of the thoughts that run through my head, it does not do it justice at all really.

As I have said in past blog posts, I am pregnant. Currently I am almost 35 weeks pregnant. I am going to a Health Center for my OBGYN care, and I regret this very much! I have had a very bad experience with them, its almost making this pregnancy hard to enjoy! They have me going in twice a week, once for an ultrasound, and NST test, then again for another NST test. They have not done a pelvic exam or anything, which is very surprising to me. I believe I have lost my mucus plug and might even be dilated, even if its only a little bit. I am extremely stressed about the horrible care that I am getting, but I’m just happy to have a doctor I guess! My little man will be here within the next month and a half, I am both excited and very nervous. I tend to worry too much, especially when I shouldn’t! I am worried about almost every possibility there is when giving birth! I keep praying for a fast, safe and healthy labor and delivery. With God by my side I know I will do just fine! Also I am stressing about what my daughter will do while I am at the hospital.. as I have not been away from her for more than a couple hours at a time. The longest is when I was working. I know she will be fine because she will most likely be with her grandma, but I will still worry. I am really not sure which one I’m more anxious about.. giving birth or being away from my daughter for a couple days! Anyways, I know this blog is all over the place I just needed to get some stuff off my chest, and I’ve wanted to write all day now. Thanks for reading!

What a Nightmare!

So as I have said in past blog posts, I am pregnant with my second child right now. I am almost 9 months! I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, but at my last appointment I got news that because of the result from a certain test they did.. Most likely I have full blown diabetes. This is not really too much of a surprise because I knew at some point in my life I would get this “diagnosis”, even though its not 100% yet, I pretty much know it is. I have went through my cabinets and gotten rid of the stuff that has more than one gram of sugar in it, and switched to Splenda tea. I have done almost everything, besides cut out my pasta, rice, and bread intake out. Which based on the number I got after eating nothing with sugar but eating a pasta item…that might just have to happen as well. It sucks to know that I most likely have full blown diabetes, but even if I do not get the diagnosis I have to make this lifestyle change for many reasons. One reason is so that I can lose weight, which I have wanted to do for too long now. Another reason is to prevent a future diagnosis. The last reason is the most heartbreaking for me.. My mother has recently told me it would be best not to risk having anymore kids. My dream has always been 4. I only have one, and one in the making right now. So I think it would be best for me, and any future kids of mine if I just commit to this lifestyle now! It wont be easy, and hasn’t been for the time ive been doing it already, but I have to. For me, for my kids, for everyone around me. I WILL be successful!

Open up!

I have never been a very “open” person, I don’t like to talking to strangers, I don’t like talking to people about my problems, etc. But once I started blogging, it’s become much easier to open up and let it all out. Which I believe is helping with my depression, which is amazing. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression by 4 different doctors, so to be able to help myself by blogging, instead of being medicated is amazing! I know that blogging can’t fully help me recover, but its helping as much as it can right now, and that’s better than nothing or having to take medications! Along with blogging, two things that also help me to open up are church, and music! So I am very thankful to have an amazing church family, and amazing music to listen to for whatever mood I happen to be in. (Thanks WordPress, for helping with my depression!)

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/open

Natural love.

I have been through the ring a couple times when it comes to relationships. From physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, etc. I have been forced to do things that I never even thought about wanting to do in my lifetime. I now have an amazing man in my life who treats me as a queen. He makes me feel so beautiful, like I am the only girl in the world. He makes me feel happy, no more than happy! He makes me feel like im worth keeping, because even though when I first found him I was stuck on a mistake, he kept trying hard to get me back! He makes me realize why it never worked with anyone else.. because God put him on this earth for ME to find! He has now made it possible for me to be a stay at home mom, which I am so grateful. He means the world to me, and I could never, would never give him up. Not for all the money in the world. I have never felt such a natural love, a pure whole hearted love for anyone that I have ever been with. I am so glad I found him, and I’m so ready to be his wife. I just can not wait! ❤

I love you Albert!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/natural

Fathers day 2016.

I have never been a huge fan of father’s day, simply because of the fact that I’ve never had a real father figure. Honestly, I tell my mom happy father’s day because she has played both roles for me and my sister for our whole lives. She is an amazing woman, and I only hope to be half of the mother she is.<3

Anyways, father’s day was on a Sunday this year, so I spent that morning in church! We sang our songs, and I found myself fighting tears harder than ever before it seemed. It was at that very moment that I realized, I never needed a real father figure. I had the best father of all there for me all along! God, Himself! He was there the whole time, and I failed to recognize that. So from now on, every father’s day, I will say it to Him! (And my mom) ❤

Short blog, but I had to get it out. Thanks for reading!