Open up!

I have never been a very “open” person, I don’t like to talking to strangers, I don’t like talking to people about my problems, etc. But once I started blogging, it’s become much easier to open up and let it all out. Which I believe is helping with my depression, which is amazing. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression by 4 different doctors, so to be able to help myself by blogging, instead of being medicated is amazing! I know that blogging can’t fully help me recover, but its helping as much as it can right now, and that’s better than nothing or having to take medications! Along with blogging, two things that also help me to open up are church, and music! So I am very thankful to have an amazing church family, and amazing music to listen to for whatever mood I happen to be in. (Thanks WordPress, for helping with my depression!)


Natural love.

I have been through the ring a couple times when it comes to relationships. From physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, etc. I have been forced to do things that I never even thought about wanting to do in my lifetime. I now have an amazing man in my life who treats me as a queen. He makes me feel so beautiful, like I am the only girl in the world. He makes me feel happy, no more than happy! He makes me feel like im worth keeping, because even though when I first found him I was stuck on a mistake, he kept trying hard to get me back! He makes me realize why it never worked with anyone else.. because God put him on this earth for ME to find! He has now made it possible for me to be a stay at home mom, which I am so grateful. He means the world to me, and I could never, would never give him up. Not for all the money in the world. I have never felt such a natural love, a pure whole hearted love for anyone that I have ever been with. I am so glad I found him, and I’m so ready to be his wife. I just can not wait! ❤

I love you Albert!

Fathers day 2016.

I have never been a huge fan of father’s day, simply because of the fact that I’ve never had a real father figure. Honestly, I tell my mom happy father’s day because she has played both roles for me and my sister for our whole lives. She is an amazing woman, and I only hope to be half of the mother she is.<3

Anyways, father’s day was on a Sunday this year, so I spent that morning in church! We sang our songs, and I found myself fighting tears harder than ever before it seemed. It was at that very moment that I realized, I never needed a real father figure. I had the best father of all there for me all along! God, Himself! He was there the whole time, and I failed to recognize that. So from now on, every father’s day, I will say it to Him! (And my mom) ❤

Short blog, but I had to get it out. Thanks for reading!

imperfect perfections.

No matter how I try, I can’t be perfect. I have worked so hard to be what everyone thinks of as perfect. I have realized over the years, that its quite impossible. I know that I will never be perfect in ANYONE’S eyes, especially my own! I have horrible stretch marks for having my daughter, does that make me imperfect? NO! I have had bags under my eyes from staying up with her when she was sick, does that make me imperfect? NO! things like this may not get me closer to looking “perfect”, but it makes me a better mother to my baby, and shows what I go through being a hard working mother. I get jealous if the person I’m with at the time looks at other girls, does that make me imperfect? NO! I worry about every little thing I do because I’m scared that they will leave, does that make me imperfect? NO! These kinds of things prove that I have been through a lot of struggle in past relationships of all kinds. I have come to recognize that my “imperfections” make me who I am, and even though I’ll never be “perfect”, I will always stay true to me. That is worth way more than being perfect.

The struggle is real!

So I have always been a huge junk food addict, and couldn’t stay away from Mcdonald’s! I recently decided that instead of waiting to have this baby, that I would go ahead with a healthy eating lifestyle. At first it was a shock, it was whole wheat this, and low fat that. But it’s been about a month on this “lifestyle”, and its becoming normal. I had ONE Mcd’s fry the other day, and I could taste the grease. It was disgusting. I like that I am able to say that. The struggle comes in when chocolate gets involved. I have cheated a few times for chocolate cake, or Hershey’s cookies ad cream bar. I regret it actually because it’s not helping me to cheat like that. I wish I could turn down chocolate cake, and stuff. And maybe one day I will get to the point where its disgusting, but I highly doubt that. For anyone who reads this, if you have any tips, or recipes.. please feel free!

Rebuilding my self esteem.

I have been through a lot of different relationships, and situations that have made me think bad of myself. I hate everything about myself, from the way I look, to the way I talk, all the way down to the way I walk. I have very few things about myself that I actually like. In an attempt to rebuild my self esteem, I guess I will tell what those few things are. The first thing is my eyes. I absolutely love my eyes, the color is a blue/green, and I am so glad my daughter has my eyes! I also love my independency. I like that I do not need someone to be with all the time, anymore at least. I am with someone now, but that’s because I truly love this guy, not just because I felt like I had to have someone there. I love that I have many strong suits, as in photography, writing, singing, and working with kids.

That is pretty much all that I can honestly say I like about myself right now. I am still in the process of working up loving myself, rebuilding my self esteem, and becoming the me I wish I could have always been. It has not been an easy process so far, but its definitely coming along. I feel as though my weight is my biggest thing that’s stopping me from loving myself again, so when I have this baby, that will be my focus. Losing weight to become someone I can look in the mirror and see, and be able to say something good about myself.

Simplicity isn’t simple.

There are so many things I could write about with just the word simplicity thrown at me. But I am choosing to write about how simplicity is hard to come by. In many different aspects it’s anything but simple. For example I have struggled my whole life with people talking bad about me. Everyone always says just let it roll in one ear and out the other, or just ignore them. Do you know how hard that is for me though? Do you know how much I aim to be someone that everyone likes, and wants to be around? It really isn’t simple, just to ignore people that make you feel the way people make me feel. In effect to that, it also isn’t simple to get over letting that stuff get to me. I am in the process now of just letting everything go. I want to be able to smile at someone when they are obviously talking behind my back and tell them something nice. “Kill them with kindness” is really what I am aiming for now. With the predicament I’m in at my work, it’s helping me do that a lot. The girls I work with always have something to say about me. All I do is go in, do my job right and go home. But no matter what, they still find something to say. I am starting to believe that its okay! And one day very soon I am going to personally thank each of these girls for helping get over this. Because they’re helping me through something I have struggled with my whole life. Whether they know it, or not.

Another thing that isn’t simple is punishing your kids. I have one daughter who is getting into the terrible two’s and with that, she refuses to listen to me when I say stop or no. My first reaction is to yell. Its not easy to not yell, really it isn’t. Especially when it’s something you know could hurt them. I also want to work on this, being able to tell my daughter no, and being able to keep telling her no without automatically jumping out of my skin and yelling. My daughter doesn’t deserve to be yelled at. I just worry that if she keeps doing whatever it is, that she will get hurt. And when she cries, a little part of me cries with her.

There are many other things in my life, and everyone’s life for that matter, that’s not simple. But I am now aiming for simplicity in multiple things, these being two of the many!