Angry isn’t even the word.

So I have made many blogs already about my daughter Maliah, and here is yet another. I told the story in a recent blog about how I met her father and how she came about. For those who have not read my other blog about that, she came from a drunken one night stand with a guy who used to be a co-worker/friend of mine. So with that being said, I was basically asking for a dead beat dad situation to occur. Sadly, that’s exactly what I got. Justin was not there for me through any of the pregnancy, was not there when she was born (and he even had time to make arrangements, due to me being induced), and has only seen her 4 times in her almost 19 months of life! This makes me so heated. Angry is not even the word that I would use. I went through not having a father figure in my life, and then going through a situation where I was calling a man “dad” that wasn’t even my dad! So to know that my daughter is going through the same thing I did, kills me every day! I don’t want her to have the personal problems within herself, that I have in myself. I do not want her to think that she is not good enough, or that he doesn’t love her. I am sure somewhere deep, deep, down in that cold heart of his, he loves her. He just hasn’t had the best way of showing it. The 4 times that he has seen her, was because of me. I had to initiate it every time. The first time, he even said he doesn’t care if he saw her or not (which I have printed out in pictures, in case he decides to be stupid in the future)! Now I am not saying that I will not let my daughter meet her father later in life if that’s what she wants, she can. I wouldn’t deny her that even for a second. I met my dad when I was 16, because I begged my mom to find him for me from when she told me at 10 years old! But my meeting him didn’t help, in fact it made it worse. I decided that it was a good idea to move in with him. That did not end well. He played major favoritism him to his 3 other daughters, and I was invisible. So I just really don’t want her to go through something like this, and only make matters worse. I have forgiven my father for what he did when I was a baby, but not for how he made me feel while I was living with him at 17. I still have major anger and even hatred towards my father, and towards Maliah’s father. I am not sure that will ever go away. But there is an upside to all this! I have gotten to watch my daughter grow into the little independent 19 months old that she is today, all by myself! I got to raise her how I felt was necessary. I have got to take her to all her doctor visits, all her first holiday events with the family, and all the times she’s gone to new places (the zoo, beach, pool, etc.). I would not have it any other way, even though I know it will one day come out, I am going to enjoy every second that I have with her. I will enjoy her smiles, her laugh, and everything else that comes with this precious life God has given me.

Moral of the story: Maliah is my world. Despite what I have been through, what she will one day have to go through, and what we go through on a daily basis! I love being her mommy!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/angry

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