My past will no longer haunt me!

So this is going to be a very long blog. I am going to be very open, and spill everything. My main goal is to get it off my shoulders, and out of my mind. I no longer want to be haunted by the past I have had. Because even though I’ve had good times, I have also had my share of bad ones too. So, with that said, here goes nothing.. or everything!

I am going to start by taking it way back to the time I was still in the womb. My mom married my sperm donor, and somewhere during the pregnancy he decided that he wasn’t ready to be a father and left. He only saw me a handful of times between then and my 2nd birthday. Then it came to an abrupt stop. Being that I was only 2, I didn’t really understand what was really going on. So then when I was about 5, my sister was born and her sperm donor adopted me. I called him dad. He didn’t stay around long either, making me believe I was the problem. The reason no-one stayed around. (I am starting to tear up). Then at about 10 years old, my mom took me into the kitchen and told me that the man I was calling dad, was not my real dad. I asked her to find my real dad. She said she would try. She tried for 6 years and finally found him. I met him at a Mcdonalds in Logan Ohio. I was very nervous. We got there around the same time, and sat down at a booth to talk. It was very awkward because not much talking even occurred, in fact my mom did most of the talking. While we were there he told me about my 3 sisters on his side. Their names are Megan, Angela, and Miranda. He showed me pictures, and its amazing how much Miranda, and Angela looked like me. Megan is autistic so she didn’t favor me too much, but she was still a cutie! We weren’t there very long, but when we left I got to thinking.. how come you have 3 daughters that you have been there for since day one, but you weren’t there for me. What is so wrong with me that you couldn’t have stayed around? I kept it to myself. Even to this day.

Okay, so now back to when I was about 9 I believe. My adopted dad, had a big house in Ohio. I can’t recall what part right off, but anyways! It was a big house with a pond in the back, and a tire swing. My sister and I went there every other weekend. One weekend I remember me and my sister were playing in her room. I can’t recall how exactly it happened, I want to say he was calling me downstairs and I didn’t listen, or something.. but he came up and I went out of the room. We were at the top of the stairs, and as I started to go down, I felt him push me. I fell all the way down, hitting the wall at the bottom. He came down and told me to get up. Just having this happen I did not want to move. So he spanked me, and I peed my pants. He made me get up and go to the bathroom and get cleaned up for dinner. Another incident I remember was one day I was watching t.v. and he came in the living room and out of no where smacked me across the face. I do not remember any other incidents like this, these are the only 2 I recall.

Now fast forward to when I was 16. I started dating a 20 year old named Andrew. He smoked weed and cigarettes, along with drinking alcohol. He did not make me do any of these things, because I refused. What he did make me do was have sex, which I didn’t want to do either, but he made it to where I couldn’t refuse. So I lost my virginity not by choice. If I could go back, and change that.. I would! In the blink of an eye. I would have called my mom, and had her come get me, or just ran out. Then again, I’m way stronger today, then I was at 16.

At about 17, I met and started dating a girl named Amber. I met her through a friend of mine named Jada. When I saw her, I felt like I had to meet her. (Again if I could go back to this very second, I would in the blink of an eye)! To make this long story  a short one, she made me smoke cigarettes, weed, do pills, do bath salts, and drink alcohol. She was  abusive. She loved to push me around, slap me, grab my arm and squeeze as hard as she could, and choke me. She had me cashing fake checks, and almost had me put in jail. Thank the Lord above that the guy we were staying with called my mom and moved me to North Carolina with her!

At about 18 or 19, I had a job at Wendy’s. Which is where I met my old friend Tiffany. She and I became very close. She was pregnant with a little boy. We decided to become roommates, so we got our apartment. Everything seemed fine and dandy, until I found out that she was a major thief. She stole so many things from Wal-Mart. One time she had me drive her and her friend there, I stayed in the car, she was gone for about an hour before I decided to go home. The next day I found out she went to jail! And my car was being looked for. Then I also found out she was on major drugs, while pregnant mind you, she was taking pills. She had her son, and he lived for about 2 hours</3 He was beautiful though, I got to meet him. Then, one day I came home from work and she was passed out in her recliner in the living room with everything needed to shoot up around her. I go into my bathroom and there is even more stuff, blood dripping from the needled. I called my landlord the next day and got out of the lease. Thank God!

The last thing I need to vent about to get off my chest for right now, because I am sure I will think of more later on, is about a girl named Chris. I dated her when I was 20. She was 16. She also smoked weed and cigarettes, and drank alcohol. She was also abusive. The one big incident I remember was after the birth of my baby girl. I was sitting on the bed with my baby laying next to me. We had gotten into an argument, and she swung to punch me, I dodged it. I told my mom, and moved out within the next couple days.

On top of all that’s above, Andrew, Amber, and Chris all cheated on me multiple times. Also making me think I am not good enough.

With this all being said, and put out there for the world to see I am hoping it will help me get over the past and work on the present and the future. Not just for myself,  but for my kids, and my hopefully soon to be husband. I need to love myself, and realize that I wam worth something, that I am worth staying around for! That I matter. That not everyone will hurt me. So far, Albert has shown me that not everyone is the same. He treats me and my daughter amazing! I am so glad I found him, and to be having his son. I love you Albert. I love you Maliah and Myles.

 

 

 

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