When i was about 14 years old i was diagnosed with chronic depression. Since then i have been re-diagnosed a few times, just because i moved and got a new therapist. Most recently, i went to start therapy with another new therapist, and she diagnosed me with the depression and anxiety. After diagnosing me with the anxiety she told me why. It made so much sense now.So now that i have a diagnosis, I am going to tell you what it’s like for me, to live with anxiety.
No matter where I go, how hard i tried to make myself look before even leaving the house, how much i try to ignore the thoughts that run through my head.. it never helps.
If someone looks at me for too long. Doesn’t respond when i say “hey” Gives me a weird look.
I automatically think of everything that would deter a person from talking to someone.
“Is my hair messed up? Do i have something in my teeth? Do i stink? Did i not speak loud enough? Did i smile awkwardly? Do i look that bad?”
When my kids cry in public. When someone walks in the bathroom and my two year old is crying. When I am holding my newborn instead of having him in the car seat on the cart. When i don’t have a blanket over my newborns car seat and its windy and starting to rain. When i have to run inside the store with my 30 some pound 2 year old in my arms.
“Do they think I am a bad parent? Will they report me? Do they think i didn’t bring a bottle, when really i just left in the car on accident? Do they think i don’t have what i need to care for my kids? Are they disgusted by me running like i am? Am i a bad parent for taking my kids out in this weather, when really i had no clue what the forecast was?”
When i hear someone whispering after i leave the room, or walk past them in a store.. I automatically think they are talking about me. I re-think about everything i said, the way i walked, if i looked at them wrong, etc. It doesn’t matter who it is, or where. It could be my mom, my boyfriend, or a complete stranger.
It is very hard to live with these thoughts. Especially mixed with how shy i am, my depression, and my low self esteem.
It is very hard to type this, thinking if people will even read it, or if the people who know me will think differently of me, but I am trying to be more open. I am trying my hardest to do whatever it takes to let everyone know what i go through on a daily basis. And just so y’all know, this is only a few examples of the thoughts that run through my head, it does not do it justice at all really.