self diagnosis.

So i will try to make this as short as possible but i want to also make as many points as i can that points to the reason I’m giving myself the diagnosis of BPD: borderline personality disorder.

First of all let me say that i had never heard of this before i started talking to a girl off of a Facebook mommy group page. She told me that she thinks she has it, and why. As she was telling me her why, I noticed that all of it applied to me also. That’s when i decided to do some major research.

“The definition is:  a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.”

Already this is me, to a “tee”. I have been through SOO many unstable relationships (love wise), i have an unstable relationship with all of my family including mother and sperm donor, and to top it all off, i have hardly any friends. I do have an unstable sense of self, i have very low self esteem. When i see myself in the mirror, when i see a picture of myself,etc.. All i see is ugly, fat. Unstable emotions, yeah got those too! I can go from smiling one second to the next i can be either depressed out of my mind, or mad as fire.

“There is often an extreme fear of abandonment, frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, and self-harm. Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events.

Fear of abandonment, is definitely something i deal with on a daily basis. I am always terrified everyone who i love will leave. With my boyfriend, i can do something as small as forgetting something in the house and have to run back in to get it, and think “Ugh, i hope he doesn’t leave me!” Emptiness, yes.. I always feel that something is missing. I feel that a little less now that i have my two children, but i still do feel this way. Self-harm, i used to. No one even really knows about it. I just thought it was a good escape. The pain from that would help with the pain i was feeling before that made me ant to self-harm.  I do also believe that my symptoms are brought on, or strengthened by simple events. As i said with my boyfriend, but it can also be brought on by simple things like someone saying the wrong thing to me or around me.

“People with BPD feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and longer than others do. In addition, emotions may repeatedly resurge and persist a long time.Consequently, it may take more time for people with BPD than others to return to a stable emotional baseline following an intense emotional experience. People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment.”

I very much so feel every emotion to the extreme. When I am happy, I am very happy. I sing and dance, and scream and play a lot with my daughter. When I am sad, I am not sad…I am depressed. I stay to myself with a blank look on my face and just think and cry. When I am mad, I am pissed. I yell, I scream, I hit walls. Every emotion is felt to the extreme and for longer periods than it needs to be felt. I f i get mad, i stay mad for.. most of the time the rest of that day. When i get depressed i stay depressed for sometimes days upon days. With the last sentence, I am not completely sure what it means, but i think it pertains to me also because I like to think of people in the best light most of the time no matter what. At the same time, once that great light is gone, it is gone forever. I always think negatively. I always think that the person will do nothing but disappoint me or hurt me.

“Impulsive behavior is common, including substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex, reckless spending, and reckless driving. Impulsive behavior may also include leaving jobs or relationships, running away, and self-injury.

Impulsive behavior, yes. I do not do drugs, but i do not drink just not a lot. I am not sure i have an eating disorder per say, but i love food and cant stay eating healthy to save my life. Unprotected sex, yes. Reckless spending, yes. Reckless driving, no. Not since my kids have existed. Laving jobs, yes. I have left 4-5 jobs just because. Some i did have a reason, but most wouldn’t say that i was right for leaving.Running away, yes! I ran away from a bad ex girlfriend in 2012, i ran away from a situation in Whiteville, I ran away from a situation in Lumberton, I ran away from a situation in Dudley.. I have ran away from many things, many situations, many people.

“People with BPD act impulsively because it gives them immediate relief from their emotional pain. However, in the long term, people with BPD suffer increased pain from the shame and guilt that follow such actions. A cycle often begins in which people with BPD feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain. As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain.

I believe i act impulsively to relieve my emotional pain, no doubt. The most recent example i can give you is the other day my boyfriend came home from talking to the neighbors. He said that it sounded like they did not want to rent to us anymore, so i started packing and calling every where to find a new place to stay. I was ready to run away because getting away from here would have meant not having to deal with the emotional stress that them not wanting us to be here would cause me. But then we found out that he heard very wrong, that we are the best tenants theyve had, and they dont want us to go anywhere. So i felt horrible for packing so i unpacked and stopped looking for a place. This is just one example of this vicious cycle.

 

I very much believe that i have this disorder. If you have read this and want to tell me your opinion, please go ahead! Just be nice about it if its criticism. Thanks!

 

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