imperfect perfections.

No matter how I try, I can’t be perfect. I have worked so hard to be what everyone thinks of as perfect. I have realized over the years, that its quite impossible. I know that I will never be perfect in ANYONE’S eyes, especially my own! I have horrible stretch marks for having my daughter, does that make me imperfect? NO! I have had bags under my eyes from staying up with her when she was sick, does that make me imperfect? NO! things like this may not get me closer to looking “perfect”, but it makes me a better mother to my baby, and shows what I go through being a hard working mother. I get jealous if the person I’m with at the time looks at other girls, does that make me imperfect? NO! I worry about every little thing I do because I’m scared that they will leave, does that make me imperfect? NO! These kinds of things prove that I have been through a lot of struggle in past relationships of all kinds. I have come to recognize that my “imperfections” make me who I am, and even though I’ll never be “perfect”, I will always stay true to me. That is worth way more than being perfect.


The struggle is real!

So I have always been a huge junk food addict, and couldn’t stay away from Mcdonald’s! I recently decided that instead of waiting to have this baby, that I would go ahead with a healthy eating lifestyle. At first it was a shock, it was whole wheat this, and low fat that. But it’s been about a month on this “lifestyle”, and its becoming normal. I had ONE Mcd’s fry the other day, and I could taste the grease. It was disgusting. I like that I am able to say that. The struggle comes in when chocolate gets involved. I have cheated a few times for chocolate cake, or Hershey’s cookies ad cream bar. I regret it actually because it’s not helping me to cheat like that. I wish I could turn down chocolate cake, and stuff. And maybe one day I will get to the point where its disgusting, but I highly doubt that. For anyone who reads this, if you have any tips, or recipes.. please feel free!

Rebuilding my self esteem.

I have been through a lot of different relationships, and situations that have made me think bad of myself. I hate everything about myself, from the way I look, to the way I talk, all the way down to the way I walk. I have very few things about myself that I actually like. In an attempt to rebuild my self esteem, I guess I will tell what those few things are. The first thing is my eyes. I absolutely love my eyes, the color is a blue/green, and I am so glad my daughter has my eyes! I also love my independency. I like that I do not need someone to be with all the time, anymore at least. I am with someone now, but that’s because I truly love this guy, not just because I felt like I had to have someone there. I love that I have many strong suits, as in photography, writing, singing, and working with kids.

That is pretty much all that I can honestly say I like about myself right now. I am still in the process of working up loving myself, rebuilding my self esteem, and becoming the me I wish I could have always been. It has not been an easy process so far, but its definitely coming along. I feel as though my weight is my biggest thing that’s stopping me from loving myself again, so when I have this baby, that will be my focus. Losing weight to become someone I can look in the mirror and see, and be able to say something good about myself.

Simplicity isn’t simple.

There are so many things I could write about with just the word simplicity thrown at me. But I am choosing to write about how simplicity is hard to come by. In many different aspects it’s anything but simple. For example I have struggled my whole life with people talking bad about me. Everyone always says just let it roll in one ear and out the other, or just ignore them. Do you know how hard that is for me though? Do you know how much I aim to be someone that everyone likes, and wants to be around? It really isn’t simple, just to ignore people that make you feel the way people make me feel. In effect to that, it also isn’t simple to get over letting that stuff get to me. I am in the process now of just letting everything go. I want to be able to smile at someone when they are obviously talking behind my back and tell them something nice. “Kill them with kindness” is really what I am aiming for now. With the predicament I’m in at my work, it’s helping me do that a lot. The girls I work with always have something to say about me. All I do is go in, do my job right and go home. But no matter what, they still find something to say. I am starting to believe that its okay! And one day very soon I am going to personally thank each of these girls for helping get over this. Because they’re helping me through something I have struggled with my whole life. Whether they know it, or not.

Another thing that isn’t simple is punishing your kids. I have one daughter who is getting into the terrible two’s and with that, she refuses to listen to me when I say stop or no. My first reaction is to yell. Its not easy to not yell, really it isn’t. Especially when it’s something you know could hurt them. I also want to work on this, being able to tell my daughter no, and being able to keep telling her no without automatically jumping out of my skin and yelling. My daughter doesn’t deserve to be yelled at. I just worry that if she keeps doing whatever it is, that she will get hurt. And when she cries, a little part of me cries with her.

There are many other things in my life, and everyone’s life for that matter, that’s not simple. But I am now aiming for simplicity in multiple things, these being two of the many!

Bullying can ruin a person.

All throughout middle school, and high school I was bullied. Someone always had my name in their mouth. I did not fit in with hardly anyone. I kept to myself mostly, just so I didn’t hear what everyone else was saying. That was mostly because I care what people say about me. I aim to be liked by everyone, to be everyone’s friend. As I have gotten older, I have found out that, that is not in any way possible. Someone anywhere/ everywhere I go has to not like me for some reason. I am just now starting to come to the conclusion that that’s okay! I am trying, and working on, being okay with this fact. As of right now, I am doing pretty good. I keep telling myself that not everyone has to like me. That as long as I am true to myself, and real to the ones who matter to me, everything will be alright! As of right now I work at daycare that everyday someone has my name in their mouth. I think I am doing pretty darn good at letting it roll off my shoulders. I refuse to let immature nonsense from immature people get to me. I have come way too far, and have way too many good things going for me to let anything get me down, especially high school drama. One day I will be completely able to not worry what people think of me, or what they say behind my back. That day will come very soon, and I personally think I am very well on my way to that day! ❤

Learning to love myself.

So due to everything that I have been through, that I put in my last blog, it all makes me think that I am not good enough. That I am ugly, that I am fat, that I am not worthy of anything good, for anyone to stay around instead of leaving. It makes me feel like everyone will hurt me in one way or another, being physical, emotional, or whatever. So I am starting my journey into loving myself. The steps that I am taking to do that are blogging to get everything out of my mind, and off my shoulders. Also, once I have this baby and heal, I am going to work out and lose weight. I want to look in the mirror and be able to believe myself when I tell myself that I am beautiful, because sadly.. no matter how much everyone else tells me it, I wont believe it. Not until I can truly love myself! I can not wait to have this baby and lose weight to really start my journey, but doing yoga and blogging are helping so much already. I will fully and truly love myself one day, one day very soon!

My past will no longer haunt me!

So this is going to be a very long blog. I am going to be very open, and spill everything. My main goal is to get it off my shoulders, and out of my mind. I no longer want to be haunted by the past I have had. Because even though I’ve had good times, I have also had my share of bad ones too. So, with that said, here goes nothing.. or everything!

I am going to start by taking it way back to the time I was still in the womb. My mom married my sperm donor, and somewhere during the pregnancy he decided that he wasn’t ready to be a father and left. He only saw me a handful of times between then and my 2nd birthday. Then it came to an abrupt stop. Being that I was only 2, I didn’t really understand what was really going on. So then when I was about 5, my sister was born and her sperm donor adopted me. I called him dad. He didn’t stay around long either, making me believe I was the problem. The reason no-one stayed around. (I am starting to tear up). Then at about 10 years old, my mom took me into the kitchen and told me that the man I was calling dad, was not my real dad. I asked her to find my real dad. She said she would try. She tried for 6 years and finally found him. I met him at a Mcdonalds in Logan Ohio. I was very nervous. We got there around the same time, and sat down at a booth to talk. It was very awkward because not much talking even occurred, in fact my mom did most of the talking. While we were there he told me about my 3 sisters on his side. Their names are Megan, Angela, and Miranda. He showed me pictures, and its amazing how much Miranda, and Angela looked like me. Megan is autistic so she didn’t favor me too much, but she was still a cutie! We weren’t there very long, but when we left I got to thinking.. how come you have 3 daughters that you have been there for since day one, but you weren’t there for me. What is so wrong with me that you couldn’t have stayed around? I kept it to myself. Even to this day.

Okay, so now back to when I was about 9 I believe. My adopted dad, had a big house in Ohio. I can’t recall what part right off, but anyways! It was a big house with a pond in the back, and a tire swing. My sister and I went there every other weekend. One weekend I remember me and my sister were playing in her room. I can’t recall how exactly it happened, I want to say he was calling me downstairs and I didn’t listen, or something.. but he came up and I went out of the room. We were at the top of the stairs, and as I started to go down, I felt him push me. I fell all the way down, hitting the wall at the bottom. He came down and told me to get up. Just having this happen I did not want to move. So he spanked me, and I peed my pants. He made me get up and go to the bathroom and get cleaned up for dinner. Another incident I remember was one day I was watching t.v. and he came in the living room and out of no where smacked me across the face. I do not remember any other incidents like this, these are the only 2 I recall.

Now fast forward to when I was 16. I started dating a 20 year old named Andrew. He smoked weed and cigarettes, along with drinking alcohol. He did not make me do any of these things, because I refused. What he did make me do was have sex, which I didn’t want to do either, but he made it to where I couldn’t refuse. So I lost my virginity not by choice. If I could go back, and change that.. I would! In the blink of an eye. I would have called my mom, and had her come get me, or just ran out. Then again, I’m way stronger today, then I was at 16.

At about 17, I met and started dating a girl named Amber. I met her through a friend of mine named Jada. When I saw her, I felt like I had to meet her. (Again if I could go back to this very second, I would in the blink of an eye)! To make this long story  a short one, she made me smoke cigarettes, weed, do pills, do bath salts, and drink alcohol. She was  abusive. She loved to push me around, slap me, grab my arm and squeeze as hard as she could, and choke me. She had me cashing fake checks, and almost had me put in jail. Thank the Lord above that the guy we were staying with called my mom and moved me to North Carolina with her!

At about 18 or 19, I had a job at Wendy’s. Which is where I met my old friend Tiffany. She and I became very close. She was pregnant with a little boy. We decided to become roommates, so we got our apartment. Everything seemed fine and dandy, until I found out that she was a major thief. She stole so many things from Wal-Mart. One time she had me drive her and her friend there, I stayed in the car, she was gone for about an hour before I decided to go home. The next day I found out she went to jail! And my car was being looked for. Then I also found out she was on major drugs, while pregnant mind you, she was taking pills. She had her son, and he lived for about 2 hours</3 He was beautiful though, I got to meet him. Then, one day I came home from work and she was passed out in her recliner in the living room with everything needed to shoot up around her. I go into my bathroom and there is even more stuff, blood dripping from the needled. I called my landlord the next day and got out of the lease. Thank God!

The last thing I need to vent about to get off my chest for right now, because I am sure I will think of more later on, is about a girl named Chris. I dated her when I was 20. She was 16. She also smoked weed and cigarettes, and drank alcohol. She was also abusive. The one big incident I remember was after the birth of my baby girl. I was sitting on the bed with my baby laying next to me. We had gotten into an argument, and she swung to punch me, I dodged it. I told my mom, and moved out within the next couple days.

On top of all that’s above, Andrew, Amber, and Chris all cheated on me multiple times. Also making me think I am not good enough.

With this all being said, and put out there for the world to see I am hoping it will help me get over the past and work on the present and the future. Not just for myself,  but for my kids, and my hopefully soon to be husband. I need to love myself, and realize that I wam worth something, that I am worth staying around for! That I matter. That not everyone will hurt me. So far, Albert has shown me that not everyone is the same. He treats me and my daughter amazing! I am so glad I found him, and to be having his son. I love you Albert. I love you Maliah and Myles.